artjaggard - Humor

from Art Jaggard

HUMOR :-)

Just a few of the jokes and stories that you e-mailed to us.

2-12-08

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My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.

His wife doesn't want him... and his mother won't take him back.

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A rumor is like a check--never endorse it until you're sure it is genuine.

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Sometimes an open mind is too porous to hold a conviction.

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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A

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Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every

effort to teach them good manners.

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MUSICAL PAINS: Guy Lumbago.

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A man is uptown at the bank when he realizes he left his accordion in his car and the car is unlocked. He rushes back to his car but it's too late...someone put another accordion in his car.

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I can still remember my first golf lesson. The pro showed me how to properly grip the club and take the proper stance. Then he said, "In this first lesson, let me see you grip the club and swing, but don't hit the ball."

Impatient to move on, I told him, "I can do that just fine.

Now -- what's the next lesson ?"

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Q. What happened to the frog when he parked on double yellow lines? He Got Toad Away.

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Q. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

A. He's fully recovered.

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Q. What happens when you throw a green rock in the red sea?

A. It gets wet.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

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A man was walking home from work when he saw an accident involving a truck. Books it was hauling came out all over the place! Before the police got to the site, the man picked up a copy of one of the books. It was a Roget's Thesaurus!

When he got home, he started to read it. Within a few months, had read it from cover to cover!

The people in his life who noticed a major change in his vocabulary. They were amazed, astonished, astounded, awe-struck, dazzled, dumbfounded, mortified, shocked, stunned and surprised!

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Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On & On Anon.

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Concluding his exam, the doctor said to his patient, "Mr. Defford, I find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health despite being quite overweight. My advice to you is this: If you want to stay healthy, give up those intimate little dinners for two unless you have someone to share them with."

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I don't mind that my grandson, Norman, is earning more than

I did on my first job.

What disturbs me is he's just seven, and it's his allowance!

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You know, The reason computers can do more work is they don't

have to stop and answer the phone.

I-25-08

Words of Wisdom my Mother Mailed me:

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really
in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you

Stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

1-20-08

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic.

She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about

is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.

I told her...she's way off base.

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My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.

She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"

The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."

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Knock Knock

Who's there?

Nunya

Nunya who?

Nunya business!

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I had a strange dream this week I thought I should share with everyone.?

I was on a quest to find the person who was responsible for all the bad things that had happened to me over the first 50 years of my life.? I had to fight my way through a dark and scary forest.? I kill dragons and ran off an Army of werewolves.? Finally, I came to a giant castle.? I forced my way through the gates and down a long, long hallway.? At last I came to the room that held my answer.? When I forced open the door, the only thing in the room was a giant mirror.?? I walked slowly to the mirror and I noticed the mirror was attached to the wall with Phillips head screws.? I did not have a Phillips Head screw driver with me, so I was unable to look behind the mirror to find out who had caused all my problems.

My wife says I am in denial even in my dreams.?

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DERMATOLOGIST: Itch doctor.

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Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.

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A Dozen, A Gross And A Score,

Plus Three Times The Square Root Of Four,

Divided By Seven,

Plus Five Times Eleven,

Equals Nine Squared And Not A Bit More.

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The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced

to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!"

The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who

do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

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While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked,

"Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

6-24-07

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had 25 students in her
class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a
well-known
proverb and asked it to come up with the remainder of them.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are
first graders, 6-year-olds,
1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop
running.
2. Strike while the.................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of........termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.......how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.
7. No news is.......................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .......................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ...............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the..............pigs.
13. An idle mind is.....................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's..............pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is.............................not much.
17. Two's company, three's ................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to
bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .. you have to
blow your nose .
20. There are none so blind as.................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .... see in the picture on
the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind..............get out of the way.

2-22-07

Children's Comments About Angels

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5

I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no
matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I
forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to
heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then
you got to agree
to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for
science. Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The
basic
message is where you went wrong before you gotz dead. Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And
when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth,
an
angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your
pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara,
6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good
carpenter. Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't
go for it. Antonia, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on
helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and
pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the
kid get over it.
Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they
shoot
arrows at them. Sarah, 7

1-19-007

A Retiree's Thoughts (Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Mind)

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride
horses
sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the
ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his
pants off.

Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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   I'm a life-and-career coach and one morning, when a prospective
client
called for an appointment, I asked him what he wanted to get out of our
sessions.
   "Clarity," he said very firmly.
   "And on what issues are you looking for clarity?" I probed.
   "Well," he said in a less confident tone, "I really don't know."
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Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing
company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching
caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone
know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit
is in our parking lot?" The long silence that
followed was interrupted when one of them piped
up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work
or leaving?"
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Older ThanThe Hills Quiz: Count all the ones that you
remember not the ones you were told about Ratings
at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7, Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Tele phone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than the hills!

I might be older than the hills, but those memories are the best part of my
life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....
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"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
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4-13-07

We just had a party and after intense competion, Mike Franklin wants everyone to know that the men came in second and the women finished next to last.

1-29-007

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Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are
overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

Unemployment is not working.

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: "I have been engaged
to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a
wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?"

I'm going to try the Dr Oz diet in 2007, because my
end no longer justifies the jeans!
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Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on
harvesting Golden Delicious.
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I'm reading a terrifically interesting book about anti-gravity...
I just can't put it down.
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The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked
her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she
would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only
needed to remember three things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.

Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.

Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing
during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends
of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these three words
... Aisle, alter, hymn (I'll alter him!

12-14-06

Priceless

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He
did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and
looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer
ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the
police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and
placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder,
the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally...I assumed you had stolen
the car."